Celebrity Attainability (Part Un)

Celebrity Attainability or I Think It's Perfectly Possible for Me to Marry Joseph Gordon-Levitt

                                                                yeah, I said it.

Celebrity Attainability is a very murky concept. I struggle with defining it when I bring it up with people, but once they get it, it's kind of hard to stop. Thankfully, Grantland made this so much more clearer. http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/43434/lets-play-celebrity-attainable-or-unattainable-grammys-edition

I mean, honestly. 

Yesterday, I talked about "The Pam Problem" in The Office, and how while it's totally sexist for men to dream of such a mousy docile creature, women do the exact same thing. It can't really be helped-- the power struggle is ever present. And very often, the male version of this falls into the category of "Celebrity Attainable" and is very heartthrob-y to women. Is this just as sexist? Possibly. But the male "Pams" are more personable, more intelligent-- just more. But of course, that could just be my feminine perspective. Either way, it brings up the topic of "Attainability"-- this quality I believe guys like about Pam Beesly. It would take HUGE suspensions of disbelief for most guys to believe that they could hook up with, saym Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (I hope so. I hope they are at least that realistic). It is not that difficult to imagine a world, however, in which they can start dating Pam.  
 It'd be too easy to say that your less attractive celebrities are your more attainable, and it would also be inaccurate. Inexplicably, Michael Cera feels unattainable and that little weirdo should be easily attained by your awkward cousin that has the hair-eating compulsion. (In my family's case, this person would be me but I don't really want him). It's kind of just instinctual.
Here are the basic rules: It has to be more than just the idea of "could you possibly hook up with this person after a night of drinking?" Colin Farrell is not attainable-- he's just a man-skank. Same with Matthew McConaughey. The person has to be someone that you wouldn't question the fact that they are dating a normal person, or as my sister puts it "Someone you can imagine dating a cute kindergarten teacher." Matt Damon would be attainable if he hadn't already married a kindergarten teacher. Really, it's hard to think of people that haven't settled down for good with someone, but if their relationship isn't really public, we can count it. It's a combination of down-to-earth, and sweet, and a "hotness reawakening"
So to make sure my judgment is not flawed, I did a survey sample of people and here is the short list:

This is just an excuse for another
cute pic of JGL. 

1)  Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I am 100% convinced this is the explanation for his appeal (I mean, he's a good actor, and very cute, and Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You was perfect so those are all factors too). But check his popularity resurgence. It is all caused by "500 Days of Summer" and that is not the sexiest role. What is it about a sad-sack that is so readily sold to women? JGL has an adorable punim, and he seems like he would be a good boyfriend. I think because he gives off vibes of the guy your mother really wants you to date, and when you finally agree to meet, you think "Thank God, Mom. You actually got it right for once."  (I'm still waiting for this to happen. Ideally with JGL himself)

2) Seth Rogen/Jonah Hill: This is oddly controversial. I say that pre-Moneyball Jonah Hill was certainly attainable but the current one with a blossoming career is not. Others disagree with me and I understand why-- he's an Uber-Nerd. But have you ever met up with a high school nerd that has had some modicum of success and now he's just an insufferable ass? I'm getting shades of that. Seth Rogen, on the other hand, spends most of his movies and life stupefied anyone wants to have sex with him. Keep this quality, Seth. It's endearing.

I'm changing my mind on whether
I even like him. He seems dickish.

3) Ryan Reynolds: Hold up. I know this seems unlikely, because People Magazine named him Super Sexy Bachelor of the Year McHotster or whatever. But think of this: "National Lampoon's Van Wilder." And "Just Friends." He is undeniably a Hottie McTottie. And he has surges of success and confidence, but trust me-- this particular one will be short-lived. Looking at him even now is like looking at a dying star (haha unintentional puns). Enjoy the beauty while it lasts, everybody. And while he dates Blake Lively, who is not human but rather manufactured at the Barbie Factory, he was also engaged to Alanis Morisette. After she finished being alterny-cool.

4) Paul Rudd/Adam Scott: Paul Rudd has the devastating combination of JGL's sweet charm and Seth Rogen's surprise at his own sexual success. I have yet to find a girl that resist Paul Rudd. Plus, Josh! From Clueless! You do tend to find "funny guys" with this "Attainability" quality. Maybe that explains why the "Fat Comedian with a Super Hot Wife" shows are so irritating. If anyone can get them, why do they deserve a super hottie? None of this applies to Paul Rudd, who is delightful and by all accounts very happily married. Adam Scott is similar, only wiry and with more nervous energy. And let me take this moment to say that "Party Down" was amazing.

You adorable British elfin creature. 

 5) Andrew Garfield: Oh Spiderman. I was put off by Andrew Garfield for a very long time because in "The Social Network," he looked exactly like this skeevy dude I knew in college. And hey-- that dude was very very attainable. But Spiderman changed my mind about him completely. Oh it's possible I'm conflating him with his dorky characters and assuming that he's attainable. But here are the facts: a- he's clearly kind of odd/nerdy b- he's British and Brits have this odd inferiority complex unless they are just freak-of-nature good-looking (Orlando Bloom, you beautiful idiot) c- He's very very serious about his job. That means the whole man-skank thing is unlikely and he won't become infatuated with the notion of "Celebrity". On the other hand, I want him and Emma Stone to make it, so nobody dare try.


Now that you all are getting the drift, it dawns on me that this is getting to be an absurdly long post. So I will call it quits for now, and continue this tomorrow. Suggestions welcome, but make your case.  Maybe I will wake up fair-minded enough to figure out female equivalents (there is so little chance of this)