Celebrity Relationship Investment

Emma Stone, hold on to that one. Have preciously
fashionable, cute/awkward babies.
Photo Credit: WireImage, net-a-porter.com

"I Just Want Those Two Crazy Kids to Be Happy Together Forever" or the Celebrity Relationship Investment

As a preamble, let me state that I grew up the youngest of 4 daughters. And not especially tomboy-ish girls. I lived in a house filled to the brim with estrogen. When I went away to college and briefly joined a sorority, I spent one semester with the 70 other girls and thought "I cannot do this to myself again" and quit. 

So, my good ol' beleaguered dad spent most of my childhood overwhelmed by femalehood. Most of the baggage he learned to deal with-- he likes romantic comedies and shopping. But the one thing that still sends him around the bend is "Celebrity." He still goes off on US Weekly Magazine. He goes on rants about why on earth we know as much about the British Royal Family as we do. 

For the most part, I understand where he's coming from (and I am a little confused that we care as much about Prince Will and Kate as we do). I don't care about Brad and Angelina and their 95 babies. I do want Jennifer Aniston to find happiness, but I don't care any more for her happiness than I do an acquaintance on the level of the nice girl in my high school sociology class. More along the lines of "Oh, she got married? Good for her." I like reading US Weekly at the hair salon like any red-blooded American female, but mostly I read the "Who Wore It Best" section, and then ignore the rest. If I really broke the numbers down, it's possible (read: really probable) that I despise more celebrities than I actually like. 

MY god, they look obnoxious.

Which is why I am concerned that recently, I find that I have a stake in many celebrity relationships. The weirdest and most inexplicable one is easily Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.
1) The Biebs and Selena Gomez: most of these can be explained by my love for one or both of the celebrities. Not so with these two. Ok, perhaps I did watch "Wizards of Waverly Place" throughout college, and will defend this life choice. And people who claim that they don't like "Baby" by The Biebs are lying. Check it. But otherwise, they are just silly little teen starlets that don't have much chance of either long term career success. Definitely no chance of staying together. One of them is bound to out-fame the other and need an upgrade. Like a present-day Britney and Justin (Timberlake). But just like I rooted for Britney and Justin, I am going to root for Selena and Justin. 

The whole "God doesn't give with 2 hands"
thing is a total lie. Gain a flaw, jackasses.

2) Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield: I love both these people. In my dream life, I am either best friends with Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone (I'd be happy with either), so I love Emma just a little bit more. But the two of them together are just so cute. Both funny awkward, and oddly adorable, and hell of actors both. Someone suggested the whole relationship is just promotion for the "Amazing Spiderman" movie, but after seeing it, I desperately hope not. They are perfect. I choose to believe that they are just exactly the same as they are in the movie, although I suppose without the superpowers.

Look how adorable and vaguely hipster-y

3) Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: I love her. She is a phenomenal actress. If you are one of those non-believers whose rebuttal to this is "Ugh. Jen Lindley? Dawson's Creek sucks" well then you are right. But go rent "Blue Valentine" this instant. And the whole Heath Ledger thing does break my heart. She's raising that little girl all on her own. The thing that makes Michelle Williams so incredible as an actress is that she has this palpable vulnerability. And while this is compelling in real life too, it is tragic. I want someone to make her happy, and Jason Segel with his dopey face and love of the Muppets seems like the perfect choice. I like Jason-- he seems uncomplicated and sweet. Ok, he also seems pot-addled, but that is easily fixable. Plus apparently his house is filled with Muppets, and that was pretty much my dream when I was 7. Her daughter should be in paradise.

Your love is confusing but presh.

4) Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban: This is just so seemingly random, I don't get how you don't root for it. I love it for its Australian weirdness. Once they got together, Nicole Kidman stopped seeming like the Frigid Ice Queen she did before. And she can move her face again! Congrats Nicole! Plus, together they kicked Keith Urban's alcoholism and finally had the baby Nicole wanted and didn't have with Tom Cruise. Come to think of it, I root for all of Tom Cruise's former wives/girlfriends. I think it must be emotionally scarring to date Tom, as hot as Maverick in Top Gun is. I hope for big things for you, Katie Holmes.

Gap ads used to be cute as a button

5) Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: IF for whatever reason I do not get to become celebrity couple best friends with Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, I would like to be celebrity couple best friends with these two. Hilarious. Suprisingly gorgeous. Older and smart and so together-- both personally and as a couple. Anytime the two of them appear together it's amazing. Remember when they got married after a series of escalating dares in "Arrested Development"? If they broke up, it would tear my world asunder. Plus, you know"Bridget Jones' Diary's" 'Smug Marrieds'? I feel like these 2 are the perfect opposite of that. They wouldn't even be annoying about their kids.

6) Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel: Ok, they are not actually together. But my God, they should be. They do the whole "We're just best friends. We love each other that way." People pull that shit in the 10th grade. I call shenanigans.

They are totally meant to be. And considering how irresistible I find Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I want you to recognize my generosity, Zooey.

7) Allison Brie and Baby Franco (Dave): just because they will make adorable brunette hipster babies. And they can talk about how no one watches the things they've done. Plus-- Look! They grocery shop- Just Like Me! (this is my other favorite tabloid section "Stars Just Like Us!" it's so inane)

8) Anna Faris and Chris Pratt: My sister wants these two to be her celeb couple friends. It's a fair choice to make. They're funny and whacky and fun. And the right level of adorable to not be too intimidating. Plus, they actually seem well-matched as a couple and have that right amount of normal/tabloid-avoidance.

If I didn't like them, I would hate them.
They are so gorg and always looking so
adoringly at each other. 

9) John Krasinski and Emily Blunt: These 2 are the apex of charm. There is a charm vacuum that just sucks up all surrounding charm for their use. Plus, they are both peculiarly in their attractiveness. No matter what they say, John Krasinski is just the right amount of cute for the super cute guy in your office. And Emily Blunt is gorgeous in the British way, which seems to mean large eyes and very stylish and elegant. I'd like to be couple friends with them, but not best couple friends because I would be so intimidated by their collective smarts and charm and sophistication.


That's all I can think of for the time being. Suggestions welcome-- but make your case. And, in case you're wondering, Kim K and Kanye is unacceptable. Examine your life if you are rooting for those two. 

Celebrity Attainability (Part Un)

Celebrity Attainability or I Think It's Perfectly Possible for Me to Marry Joseph Gordon-Levitt

                                                                yeah, I said it.

Celebrity Attainability is a very murky concept. I struggle with defining it when I bring it up with people, but once they get it, it's kind of hard to stop. Thankfully, Grantland made this so much more clearer. http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/43434/lets-play-celebrity-attainable-or-unattainable-grammys-edition

I mean, honestly. 

Yesterday, I talked about "The Pam Problem" in The Office, and how while it's totally sexist for men to dream of such a mousy docile creature, women do the exact same thing. It can't really be helped-- the power struggle is ever present. And very often, the male version of this falls into the category of "Celebrity Attainable" and is very heartthrob-y to women. Is this just as sexist? Possibly. But the male "Pams" are more personable, more intelligent-- just more. But of course, that could just be my feminine perspective. Either way, it brings up the topic of "Attainability"-- this quality I believe guys like about Pam Beesly. It would take HUGE suspensions of disbelief for most guys to believe that they could hook up with, saym Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (I hope so. I hope they are at least that realistic). It is not that difficult to imagine a world, however, in which they can start dating Pam.  
 It'd be too easy to say that your less attractive celebrities are your more attainable, and it would also be inaccurate. Inexplicably, Michael Cera feels unattainable and that little weirdo should be easily attained by your awkward cousin that has the hair-eating compulsion. (In my family's case, this person would be me but I don't really want him). It's kind of just instinctual.
Here are the basic rules: It has to be more than just the idea of "could you possibly hook up with this person after a night of drinking?" Colin Farrell is not attainable-- he's just a man-skank. Same with Matthew McConaughey. The person has to be someone that you wouldn't question the fact that they are dating a normal person, or as my sister puts it "Someone you can imagine dating a cute kindergarten teacher." Matt Damon would be attainable if he hadn't already married a kindergarten teacher. Really, it's hard to think of people that haven't settled down for good with someone, but if their relationship isn't really public, we can count it. It's a combination of down-to-earth, and sweet, and a "hotness reawakening"
So to make sure my judgment is not flawed, I did a survey sample of people and here is the short list:

This is just an excuse for another
cute pic of JGL. 

1)  Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I am 100% convinced this is the explanation for his appeal (I mean, he's a good actor, and very cute, and Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You was perfect so those are all factors too). But check his popularity resurgence. It is all caused by "500 Days of Summer" and that is not the sexiest role. What is it about a sad-sack that is so readily sold to women? JGL has an adorable punim, and he seems like he would be a good boyfriend. I think because he gives off vibes of the guy your mother really wants you to date, and when you finally agree to meet, you think "Thank God, Mom. You actually got it right for once."  (I'm still waiting for this to happen. Ideally with JGL himself)

2) Seth Rogen/Jonah Hill: This is oddly controversial. I say that pre-Moneyball Jonah Hill was certainly attainable but the current one with a blossoming career is not. Others disagree with me and I understand why-- he's an Uber-Nerd. But have you ever met up with a high school nerd that has had some modicum of success and now he's just an insufferable ass? I'm getting shades of that. Seth Rogen, on the other hand, spends most of his movies and life stupefied anyone wants to have sex with him. Keep this quality, Seth. It's endearing.

I'm changing my mind on whether
I even like him. He seems dickish.

3) Ryan Reynolds: Hold up. I know this seems unlikely, because People Magazine named him Super Sexy Bachelor of the Year McHotster or whatever. But think of this: "National Lampoon's Van Wilder." And "Just Friends." He is undeniably a Hottie McTottie. And he has surges of success and confidence, but trust me-- this particular one will be short-lived. Looking at him even now is like looking at a dying star (haha unintentional puns). Enjoy the beauty while it lasts, everybody. And while he dates Blake Lively, who is not human but rather manufactured at the Barbie Factory, he was also engaged to Alanis Morisette. After she finished being alterny-cool.

4) Paul Rudd/Adam Scott: Paul Rudd has the devastating combination of JGL's sweet charm and Seth Rogen's surprise at his own sexual success. I have yet to find a girl that resist Paul Rudd. Plus, Josh! From Clueless! You do tend to find "funny guys" with this "Attainability" quality. Maybe that explains why the "Fat Comedian with a Super Hot Wife" shows are so irritating. If anyone can get them, why do they deserve a super hottie? None of this applies to Paul Rudd, who is delightful and by all accounts very happily married. Adam Scott is similar, only wiry and with more nervous energy. And let me take this moment to say that "Party Down" was amazing.

You adorable British elfin creature. 

 5) Andrew Garfield: Oh Spiderman. I was put off by Andrew Garfield for a very long time because in "The Social Network," he looked exactly like this skeevy dude I knew in college. And hey-- that dude was very very attainable. But Spiderman changed my mind about him completely. Oh it's possible I'm conflating him with his dorky characters and assuming that he's attainable. But here are the facts: a- he's clearly kind of odd/nerdy b- he's British and Brits have this odd inferiority complex unless they are just freak-of-nature good-looking (Orlando Bloom, you beautiful idiot) c- He's very very serious about his job. That means the whole man-skank thing is unlikely and he won't become infatuated with the notion of "Celebrity". On the other hand, I want him and Emma Stone to make it, so nobody dare try.


Now that you all are getting the drift, it dawns on me that this is getting to be an absurdly long post. So I will call it quits for now, and continue this tomorrow. Suggestions welcome, but make your case.  Maybe I will wake up fair-minded enough to figure out female equivalents (there is so little chance of this)

The Pam Problem

 The Pam Beesly Problem

 Or The One Time I Can Persuade Myself I'm Better Than a Fictional Character

      This video is so glorious. There are few things I love more than a romantic supercut. 

So, I recently read a book by Julie Klausner called "I Don't Care About You Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated." It is... fine, I guess. Very New York-y, in the less likeable sense of the word. It's a memoir/collection of humorous essays, and unfortunately that means you either end up liking the book and the person, or you despise both.  But all of this is inconsequential. The book reaches transcendence when Julie Klausner breaks down the problem with Pam from The Office and the Guys Who Adore Her, and it is illuminating. Truly, it makes the book. Because for years, these guys have plagued me. I assume most girls have experienced this. My older sister has, and she has been married for as long as The Office has been on the air, so the Pam Issue existed even before Pam herself was created. Now it just has a name. 

There's a certain kind of guy that is irresistible to you during a certain time in your life-- this time is called College, and you are just generally stupid. He's shy and smart and slyly funny, and he plays the acoustic guitar really badly. He's cute but not too cute-- the kind of guy you pick because he seems so sensitive, and you don't anticipate a lot of competition for his attention because he's just the better side of ordinary. This guy I fell for about 10 times, in slightly altering versions, from high school to about 2 weeks ago. And inevitably, this guy tells me about how Pam Beesly is his Perfect Woman. 

For one's information, this is nearly the worst thing you can tell a person who wants to make out with you that is not actually Pam Beesly. Pam the Receptionist is half of the once-thwarted now nauseating romance of The Office-- the girl our hero Jim pined for, and therefore deserved. However, Pam is so perfectly ordinary that you feel like she doesn't really deserve much. Prior to breaking up with him for Jim, Pam is long (and rather unhappily) engaged to a grown-up high school football playing thug from the warehouse and her fiance just lords over her, medieval serfdom style. She is so passive it's hard to imagine she speaks above a whisper. She is shrouded in mousiness. For her positive attributes, Pam is said to be clever, and she comes up with good pranks to pull on Dwight. She has a good sense of humor and she is sweet and kind, to even the irritating fools of the show. All this is well and good. And I understand why Jim or anyone who worked with Pam in their office would have a crush on her-- it's a crush of convenience, and it happens all the time-- it's how you get through the workday/schoolday. But why does this fervor exist?

That mousy passivity is infuriating to female-hood. Pam talks about these ambitions-- she wants to leave Scranton and the office to work on her art, she manages to go to school for graphic design, she leaves her Dundler-Mifflin receptionist job to be a salesman for Michael Scott-- and she fails them all. Not even fails-- she chickens out or quits when it gets hard. And perhaps this is all accurate. Maybe if she had succeeded in any of these things, I would have a whole other bag of complaints. But currently my problem with Pam is that she's weak-- she doesn't own her looks, she hides from them, she hides from her talent, her intelligence, all because she's afraid. No girl wants to be Pam, however much they want Jim Halpert.*

Julie Klausner's argument, essentially, is that the Guys Who Love Pam are a waste of time (this is correct) because they are just as afraid of women as your d-bag frattastic bros, they just hide it under the veil of "sensitivity." Because they don't want an empowered woman. They want someone who they alone can discover is beautiful, smart, funny but the girl doesn't know it so she doesn't have any of that annoying "confidence." I believe Julie Klausner, and what's more, I want to believe her. It explains why this type of guy fails almost everyone I know, because thankfully I know no one as docile as Pam. However, what I think Julie Klausner ignores is that the whole argument is pretty hypocritical. The Guys that Want Pam are truly no better than Pam-- the whole reason YOU want them is because it will be easy and you feel like you have the upper-hand. Is it just as sexist to like these kind of guys? Is my crush on Jim Halpert just the whole situation gender-flipped? Jim is cute, sure, but he's not mind-blowingly cute. He's clearly better than his situation, but never manages to get out of it. These guys aren't really a "Get." And shamefully this all is a lead-up to a post for tomorrow about one of my favorite things to talk about: Celebrity Attainability (it's the best and most absurd thing).

Until then-- guys, think of this as a PSA-- if a girl is "hanging out watching the office"-- she does not want to hear about how the girl of your dreams is someone who can't seem to manage eyeliner. All it makes the girl wonder is "my god, does he think of me like this? i hate myself"

This is... accurate, Pam.

*I stopped watching The Office over 2 years ago, with the exception of Steve Carell's last couple episodes. For all I know all of this is moot and Pam is a badass, in which case-- I'm sorry Pam.