Celebrity Relationship Investment

Emma Stone, hold on to that one. Have preciously
fashionable, cute/awkward babies.
Photo Credit: WireImage, net-a-porter.com

"I Just Want Those Two Crazy Kids to Be Happy Together Forever" or the Celebrity Relationship Investment

As a preamble, let me state that I grew up the youngest of 4 daughters. And not especially tomboy-ish girls. I lived in a house filled to the brim with estrogen. When I went away to college and briefly joined a sorority, I spent one semester with the 70 other girls and thought "I cannot do this to myself again" and quit. 

So, my good ol' beleaguered dad spent most of my childhood overwhelmed by femalehood. Most of the baggage he learned to deal with-- he likes romantic comedies and shopping. But the one thing that still sends him around the bend is "Celebrity." He still goes off on US Weekly Magazine. He goes on rants about why on earth we know as much about the British Royal Family as we do. 

For the most part, I understand where he's coming from (and I am a little confused that we care as much about Prince Will and Kate as we do). I don't care about Brad and Angelina and their 95 babies. I do want Jennifer Aniston to find happiness, but I don't care any more for her happiness than I do an acquaintance on the level of the nice girl in my high school sociology class. More along the lines of "Oh, she got married? Good for her." I like reading US Weekly at the hair salon like any red-blooded American female, but mostly I read the "Who Wore It Best" section, and then ignore the rest. If I really broke the numbers down, it's possible (read: really probable) that I despise more celebrities than I actually like. 

MY god, they look obnoxious.

Which is why I am concerned that recently, I find that I have a stake in many celebrity relationships. The weirdest and most inexplicable one is easily Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez.
1) The Biebs and Selena Gomez: most of these can be explained by my love for one or both of the celebrities. Not so with these two. Ok, perhaps I did watch "Wizards of Waverly Place" throughout college, and will defend this life choice. And people who claim that they don't like "Baby" by The Biebs are lying. Check it. But otherwise, they are just silly little teen starlets that don't have much chance of either long term career success. Definitely no chance of staying together. One of them is bound to out-fame the other and need an upgrade. Like a present-day Britney and Justin (Timberlake). But just like I rooted for Britney and Justin, I am going to root for Selena and Justin. 

The whole "God doesn't give with 2 hands"
thing is a total lie. Gain a flaw, jackasses.

2) Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield: I love both these people. In my dream life, I am either best friends with Jennifer Lawrence or Emma Stone (I'd be happy with either), so I love Emma just a little bit more. But the two of them together are just so cute. Both funny awkward, and oddly adorable, and hell of actors both. Someone suggested the whole relationship is just promotion for the "Amazing Spiderman" movie, but after seeing it, I desperately hope not. They are perfect. I choose to believe that they are just exactly the same as they are in the movie, although I suppose without the superpowers.

Look how adorable and vaguely hipster-y

3) Michelle Williams and Jason Segel: I love her. She is a phenomenal actress. If you are one of those non-believers whose rebuttal to this is "Ugh. Jen Lindley? Dawson's Creek sucks" well then you are right. But go rent "Blue Valentine" this instant. And the whole Heath Ledger thing does break my heart. She's raising that little girl all on her own. The thing that makes Michelle Williams so incredible as an actress is that she has this palpable vulnerability. And while this is compelling in real life too, it is tragic. I want someone to make her happy, and Jason Segel with his dopey face and love of the Muppets seems like the perfect choice. I like Jason-- he seems uncomplicated and sweet. Ok, he also seems pot-addled, but that is easily fixable. Plus apparently his house is filled with Muppets, and that was pretty much my dream when I was 7. Her daughter should be in paradise.

Your love is confusing but presh.

4) Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban: This is just so seemingly random, I don't get how you don't root for it. I love it for its Australian weirdness. Once they got together, Nicole Kidman stopped seeming like the Frigid Ice Queen she did before. And she can move her face again! Congrats Nicole! Plus, together they kicked Keith Urban's alcoholism and finally had the baby Nicole wanted and didn't have with Tom Cruise. Come to think of it, I root for all of Tom Cruise's former wives/girlfriends. I think it must be emotionally scarring to date Tom, as hot as Maverick in Top Gun is. I hope for big things for you, Katie Holmes.

Gap ads used to be cute as a button

5) Amy Poehler and Will Arnett: IF for whatever reason I do not get to become celebrity couple best friends with Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, I would like to be celebrity couple best friends with these two. Hilarious. Suprisingly gorgeous. Older and smart and so together-- both personally and as a couple. Anytime the two of them appear together it's amazing. Remember when they got married after a series of escalating dares in "Arrested Development"? If they broke up, it would tear my world asunder. Plus, you know"Bridget Jones' Diary's" 'Smug Marrieds'? I feel like these 2 are the perfect opposite of that. They wouldn't even be annoying about their kids.

6) Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel: Ok, they are not actually together. But my God, they should be. They do the whole "We're just best friends. We love each other that way." People pull that shit in the 10th grade. I call shenanigans.

They are totally meant to be. And considering how irresistible I find Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I want you to recognize my generosity, Zooey.

7) Allison Brie and Baby Franco (Dave): just because they will make adorable brunette hipster babies. And they can talk about how no one watches the things they've done. Plus-- Look! They grocery shop- Just Like Me! (this is my other favorite tabloid section "Stars Just Like Us!" it's so inane)

8) Anna Faris and Chris Pratt: My sister wants these two to be her celeb couple friends. It's a fair choice to make. They're funny and whacky and fun. And the right level of adorable to not be too intimidating. Plus, they actually seem well-matched as a couple and have that right amount of normal/tabloid-avoidance.

If I didn't like them, I would hate them.
They are so gorg and always looking so
adoringly at each other. 

9) John Krasinski and Emily Blunt: These 2 are the apex of charm. There is a charm vacuum that just sucks up all surrounding charm for their use. Plus, they are both peculiarly in their attractiveness. No matter what they say, John Krasinski is just the right amount of cute for the super cute guy in your office. And Emily Blunt is gorgeous in the British way, which seems to mean large eyes and very stylish and elegant. I'd like to be couple friends with them, but not best couple friends because I would be so intimidated by their collective smarts and charm and sophistication.


That's all I can think of for the time being. Suggestions welcome-- but make your case. And, in case you're wondering, Kim K and Kanye is unacceptable. Examine your life if you are rooting for those two. 

Celebrity Attainability (Part Un)

Celebrity Attainability or I Think It's Perfectly Possible for Me to Marry Joseph Gordon-Levitt

                                                                yeah, I said it.

Celebrity Attainability is a very murky concept. I struggle with defining it when I bring it up with people, but once they get it, it's kind of hard to stop. Thankfully, Grantland made this so much more clearer. http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/43434/lets-play-celebrity-attainable-or-unattainable-grammys-edition

I mean, honestly. 

Yesterday, I talked about "The Pam Problem" in The Office, and how while it's totally sexist for men to dream of such a mousy docile creature, women do the exact same thing. It can't really be helped-- the power struggle is ever present. And very often, the male version of this falls into the category of "Celebrity Attainable" and is very heartthrob-y to women. Is this just as sexist? Possibly. But the male "Pams" are more personable, more intelligent-- just more. But of course, that could just be my feminine perspective. Either way, it brings up the topic of "Attainability"-- this quality I believe guys like about Pam Beesly. It would take HUGE suspensions of disbelief for most guys to believe that they could hook up with, saym Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (I hope so. I hope they are at least that realistic). It is not that difficult to imagine a world, however, in which they can start dating Pam.  
 It'd be too easy to say that your less attractive celebrities are your more attainable, and it would also be inaccurate. Inexplicably, Michael Cera feels unattainable and that little weirdo should be easily attained by your awkward cousin that has the hair-eating compulsion. (In my family's case, this person would be me but I don't really want him). It's kind of just instinctual.
Here are the basic rules: It has to be more than just the idea of "could you possibly hook up with this person after a night of drinking?" Colin Farrell is not attainable-- he's just a man-skank. Same with Matthew McConaughey. The person has to be someone that you wouldn't question the fact that they are dating a normal person, or as my sister puts it "Someone you can imagine dating a cute kindergarten teacher." Matt Damon would be attainable if he hadn't already married a kindergarten teacher. Really, it's hard to think of people that haven't settled down for good with someone, but if their relationship isn't really public, we can count it. It's a combination of down-to-earth, and sweet, and a "hotness reawakening"
So to make sure my judgment is not flawed, I did a survey sample of people and here is the short list:

This is just an excuse for another
cute pic of JGL. 

1)  Joseph Gordon-Levitt: I am 100% convinced this is the explanation for his appeal (I mean, he's a good actor, and very cute, and Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You was perfect so those are all factors too). But check his popularity resurgence. It is all caused by "500 Days of Summer" and that is not the sexiest role. What is it about a sad-sack that is so readily sold to women? JGL has an adorable punim, and he seems like he would be a good boyfriend. I think because he gives off vibes of the guy your mother really wants you to date, and when you finally agree to meet, you think "Thank God, Mom. You actually got it right for once."  (I'm still waiting for this to happen. Ideally with JGL himself)

2) Seth Rogen/Jonah Hill: This is oddly controversial. I say that pre-Moneyball Jonah Hill was certainly attainable but the current one with a blossoming career is not. Others disagree with me and I understand why-- he's an Uber-Nerd. But have you ever met up with a high school nerd that has had some modicum of success and now he's just an insufferable ass? I'm getting shades of that. Seth Rogen, on the other hand, spends most of his movies and life stupefied anyone wants to have sex with him. Keep this quality, Seth. It's endearing.

I'm changing my mind on whether
I even like him. He seems dickish.

3) Ryan Reynolds: Hold up. I know this seems unlikely, because People Magazine named him Super Sexy Bachelor of the Year McHotster or whatever. But think of this: "National Lampoon's Van Wilder." And "Just Friends." He is undeniably a Hottie McTottie. And he has surges of success and confidence, but trust me-- this particular one will be short-lived. Looking at him even now is like looking at a dying star (haha unintentional puns). Enjoy the beauty while it lasts, everybody. And while he dates Blake Lively, who is not human but rather manufactured at the Barbie Factory, he was also engaged to Alanis Morisette. After she finished being alterny-cool.

4) Paul Rudd/Adam Scott: Paul Rudd has the devastating combination of JGL's sweet charm and Seth Rogen's surprise at his own sexual success. I have yet to find a girl that resist Paul Rudd. Plus, Josh! From Clueless! You do tend to find "funny guys" with this "Attainability" quality. Maybe that explains why the "Fat Comedian with a Super Hot Wife" shows are so irritating. If anyone can get them, why do they deserve a super hottie? None of this applies to Paul Rudd, who is delightful and by all accounts very happily married. Adam Scott is similar, only wiry and with more nervous energy. And let me take this moment to say that "Party Down" was amazing.

You adorable British elfin creature. 

 5) Andrew Garfield: Oh Spiderman. I was put off by Andrew Garfield for a very long time because in "The Social Network," he looked exactly like this skeevy dude I knew in college. And hey-- that dude was very very attainable. But Spiderman changed my mind about him completely. Oh it's possible I'm conflating him with his dorky characters and assuming that he's attainable. But here are the facts: a- he's clearly kind of odd/nerdy b- he's British and Brits have this odd inferiority complex unless they are just freak-of-nature good-looking (Orlando Bloom, you beautiful idiot) c- He's very very serious about his job. That means the whole man-skank thing is unlikely and he won't become infatuated with the notion of "Celebrity". On the other hand, I want him and Emma Stone to make it, so nobody dare try.


Now that you all are getting the drift, it dawns on me that this is getting to be an absurdly long post. So I will call it quits for now, and continue this tomorrow. Suggestions welcome, but make your case.  Maybe I will wake up fair-minded enough to figure out female equivalents (there is so little chance of this)

The Pam Problem

 The Pam Beesly Problem

 Or The One Time I Can Persuade Myself I'm Better Than a Fictional Character

      This video is so glorious. There are few things I love more than a romantic supercut. 

So, I recently read a book by Julie Klausner called "I Don't Care About You Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated." It is... fine, I guess. Very New York-y, in the less likeable sense of the word. It's a memoir/collection of humorous essays, and unfortunately that means you either end up liking the book and the person, or you despise both.  But all of this is inconsequential. The book reaches transcendence when Julie Klausner breaks down the problem with Pam from The Office and the Guys Who Adore Her, and it is illuminating. Truly, it makes the book. Because for years, these guys have plagued me. I assume most girls have experienced this. My older sister has, and she has been married for as long as The Office has been on the air, so the Pam Issue existed even before Pam herself was created. Now it just has a name. 

There's a certain kind of guy that is irresistible to you during a certain time in your life-- this time is called College, and you are just generally stupid. He's shy and smart and slyly funny, and he plays the acoustic guitar really badly. He's cute but not too cute-- the kind of guy you pick because he seems so sensitive, and you don't anticipate a lot of competition for his attention because he's just the better side of ordinary. This guy I fell for about 10 times, in slightly altering versions, from high school to about 2 weeks ago. And inevitably, this guy tells me about how Pam Beesly is his Perfect Woman. 

For one's information, this is nearly the worst thing you can tell a person who wants to make out with you that is not actually Pam Beesly. Pam the Receptionist is half of the once-thwarted now nauseating romance of The Office-- the girl our hero Jim pined for, and therefore deserved. However, Pam is so perfectly ordinary that you feel like she doesn't really deserve much. Prior to breaking up with him for Jim, Pam is long (and rather unhappily) engaged to a grown-up high school football playing thug from the warehouse and her fiance just lords over her, medieval serfdom style. She is so passive it's hard to imagine she speaks above a whisper. She is shrouded in mousiness. For her positive attributes, Pam is said to be clever, and she comes up with good pranks to pull on Dwight. She has a good sense of humor and she is sweet and kind, to even the irritating fools of the show. All this is well and good. And I understand why Jim or anyone who worked with Pam in their office would have a crush on her-- it's a crush of convenience, and it happens all the time-- it's how you get through the workday/schoolday. But why does this fervor exist?

That mousy passivity is infuriating to female-hood. Pam talks about these ambitions-- she wants to leave Scranton and the office to work on her art, she manages to go to school for graphic design, she leaves her Dundler-Mifflin receptionist job to be a salesman for Michael Scott-- and she fails them all. Not even fails-- she chickens out or quits when it gets hard. And perhaps this is all accurate. Maybe if she had succeeded in any of these things, I would have a whole other bag of complaints. But currently my problem with Pam is that she's weak-- she doesn't own her looks, she hides from them, she hides from her talent, her intelligence, all because she's afraid. No girl wants to be Pam, however much they want Jim Halpert.*

Julie Klausner's argument, essentially, is that the Guys Who Love Pam are a waste of time (this is correct) because they are just as afraid of women as your d-bag frattastic bros, they just hide it under the veil of "sensitivity." Because they don't want an empowered woman. They want someone who they alone can discover is beautiful, smart, funny but the girl doesn't know it so she doesn't have any of that annoying "confidence." I believe Julie Klausner, and what's more, I want to believe her. It explains why this type of guy fails almost everyone I know, because thankfully I know no one as docile as Pam. However, what I think Julie Klausner ignores is that the whole argument is pretty hypocritical. The Guys that Want Pam are truly no better than Pam-- the whole reason YOU want them is because it will be easy and you feel like you have the upper-hand. Is it just as sexist to like these kind of guys? Is my crush on Jim Halpert just the whole situation gender-flipped? Jim is cute, sure, but he's not mind-blowingly cute. He's clearly better than his situation, but never manages to get out of it. These guys aren't really a "Get." And shamefully this all is a lead-up to a post for tomorrow about one of my favorite things to talk about: Celebrity Attainability (it's the best and most absurd thing).

Until then-- guys, think of this as a PSA-- if a girl is "hanging out watching the office"-- she does not want to hear about how the girl of your dreams is someone who can't seem to manage eyeliner. All it makes the girl wonder is "my god, does he think of me like this? i hate myself"

This is... accurate, Pam.

*I stopped watching The Office over 2 years ago, with the exception of Steve Carell's last couple episodes. For all I know all of this is moot and Pam is a badass, in which case-- I'm sorry Pam. 

"How can you read this? There's no pictures!" --The Rory Gilmore Reading List

Rory, it's something about your face.
And the fact that you had sex with Pete Campbell

So, I came across this post this morning: http://bookreviews.me.uk/rory-gilmore-reading-challenge/
A list of books Rory Gilmore has read. I have this complicated relationship with Gilmore Girls (I like it, but don't like anyone on it, and I hate the fact that I like it. Also, it really went downhill starting college), and they all have resurfaced with Amy Sherman-Palladino's show Bunheads (which I adore so far, uncomplicatedly). Rory, to me, was unbearable. Too in love with her own intelligence, too mousy, too much a Mary Sue. But after looking at this list, I have to say "Damn, girl." Since the show ended with her at roughly age 22 (I'm guessing), I decided to do a compare/contrast-- me at 22 vs. the insufferable Rory

I would love to believe this is true...

1984 by George Orwell--read sometime in high school
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll – read sometime in middle school
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay by Michael Chabon-- tried in high school. it's like a million pages long. and comic books, not my thing
An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
Angela’s Ashes by Frank McCourt
Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy-- read in high school. I had a v. long depressing 19th cent. Russian lit phase
Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank-- read middle school
Archidamian War by Donald Kagan
The Art of Fiction by Henry James-- read (partially) in college for Am. Lit
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner-- read for Honors English junior year of high school. It went completely over my head
Atonement by Ian McEwan-- read. bc of James McAvoy
Autobiography of a Face by Lucy Grealy
The Awakening by Kate Chopin
Babe by Dick King-Smith
Backlash: The Undeclared War Against American Women by Susan Faludi
Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress by Dai Sijie-- read during a gap year in college. 
Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath – read in high school. God, my teen angst. 
Beloved by Toni Morrison
Beowulf: A New Verse Translation by Seamus Heaney-- college Brit Lit 1 sucks 
The Bhagava Gita
The Bielski Brothers: The True Story of Three Men Who Defied the Nazis, Built a Village in the Forest, and Saved 1,200 Jews by Peter Duffy
Bitch in Praise of Difficult Women by Elizabeth Wurtzel
A Bolt from the Blue and Other Essays by Mary McCarthy
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
Brick Lane by Monica Ali
Bridgadoon by Alan Jay Lerner
Candide by Voltaire – read in between college and high school, but nothing was retained. 
The Canterbury Tales by Chaucer-- again, Brit Lit 1 sucks
Carrie by Stephen King
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger – read once in high school. Hated it. Read it again this past year bc I felt I was unfair in high school, and hated it even more. 
Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White-- back when I wanted to be a precocious 9 year old. 
The Children’s Hour by Lillian Hellman
Christine by Stephen King
A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens – read... refer back to Charlotte's Web
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
The Code of the Woosters by P.G. Wodehouse-- I adore PG Wodehouse. 
The Collected Short Stories by Eudora Welty
The Collected Stories of Eudora Welty by Eudora Welty
A Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare-- fun story. I was in this in middle school as one of the male leads. It's a play about male twins. I'm a Filipino girl. My "twin" was a ginger haired boy. It was...lame. 
Complete Novels by Dawn Powell
The Complete Poems by Anne Sexton
Complete Stories by Dorothy Parker-- she is to blame for a lot of my college sophomore year's alcohol mistakes
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas père-- read in high school. This is a wonderfully fun book
Cousin Bette by Honor’e de Balzac
Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky-- refer back to Anna Karenina. Also, Raskolnikov and his best friend are hella studly. 
The Crimson Petal and the White by Michel Faber – started and not finished
The Crucible by Arthur Miller-- read in high school
Cujo by Stephen King
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon – read – 2009
Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende
David and Lisa by Dr Theodore Issac Rubin M.D
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
The Da Vinci -Code by Dan Brown – read
Dead Souls by Nikolai Gogol
Demons by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller-- high school again
Deenie by Judy Blume
The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson
The Dirt: Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band by Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, Mick Mars and Nikki Sixx--- this is a reminder. My sister was supposed to loan me her copy a year ago, and she still hasn't gotten around to it. Come on, dude. It's never at the library. 
The Divine Comedy by Dante
The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells---ugh. Hated. 
Don Quijote by Cervantes
Driving Miss Daisy by Alfred Uhrv
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson - read – 2009
Edgar Allan Poe: Complete Tales & Poems by Edgar Allan Poe
Eleanor Roosevelt by Blanche Wiesen Cook
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test by Tom Wolfe
Ella Minnow Pea: A Novel in Letters by Mark Dunn
Eloise by Kay Thompson-- she was a demon child
Emily the Strange by Roger Reger
Emma by Jane Austen – read. Emma/Cher Horowitz from Clueless were my idols from about 10 years old on
Empire Falls by Richard Russo
Encyclopedia Brown: Boy Detective by Donald J. Sobol-- in elementary school, and forever after since then. He is a baller. 
Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton-- my god, my Edith Wharton phase lasted so much longer than even my 19th Cent. Russian lit one
Ethics by Spinoza
Europe through the Back Door, 2003 by Rick Steves
Eva Luna by Isabel Allende
Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer
Extravagance by Gary Krist
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury – in middle school. 
Fahrenheit 9/11 by Michael Moore
The Fall of the Athenian Empire by Donald Kagan
Fat Land: How Americans Became the Fattest People in the World by Greg Critser
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson
The Fellowship of the Ring: Book 1 of The Lord of the Ring by J. R. R. Tolkien  – read, as well as the other 2. UGH the time you wasted, high school nerd. 
Fiddler on the Roof by Joseph Stein
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom – read
Finnegan’s Wake by James Joyce
Fletch by Gregory McDonald
Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
The Fortress of Solitude by Jonathan Lethem
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand- in high school. Did not win me over
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Franny and Zooey by J. D. Salinger--- only slightly more tolerable than Catcher in the Rye
Freaky Friday by Mary Rodgers-- in elementary school. Can't think why, b/c it was before the Lindsay Lohan movie 
Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut
Gender Trouble by Judith Butler
George W. Bushism: The Slate Book of the Accidental Wit and Wisdom of our 43rd President by Jacob Weisberg
Gidget by Fredrick Kohner
Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen
The Gnostic Gospels by Elaine Pagels
The Godfather: Book 1 by Mario Puzo
The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy – started and not finished
Goldilocks and the Three Bears by Alvin Granowsky-- Goldilocks was an idiot. 
Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell – IT"S SOO LONG
The Good Soldier by Ford Maddox Ford
The Gospel According to Judy Bloom
The Graduate by Charles Webb
The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck-- that stupid turtle crossing the road chapter. No thanks high school required reading.
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald – Obviously. many many times from middle school on. 
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens-- Pip is a chump. 
The Group by Mary McCarthy-- reading currently and it is excellent. Huge thumbs up for this. 
Hamlet by William Shakespeare-- AP English 12
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by J. K. Rowling – my favorite one!
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J. K. Rowling – This was required reading for me in 4th grade. It seems so random. 
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers-- navel-gazing college times. 
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad-- AP English 12, again. 
Helter Skelter: The True Story of the Manson Murders by Vincent Bugliosi and Curt Gentry (TBR)
Henry IV, part I by William Shakespeare-- one of many college Shakespeare courses
Henry IV, part II by William Shakespeare--see above
Henry V by William Shakespeare--see above
High Fidelity by Nick Hornby-- LOVE. HUH. 
The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
Holidays on Ice: Stories by David Sedaris
The Holy Barbarians by Lawrence Lipton
House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III (Lpr)
The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende-- in college. I remember nothing about this book. 
How to Breathe Underwater by Julie Orringer
How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss-- well, I am pretty sure, although I've def. seen the Boris Karloff narrated cartoon enough times that it should count. 
How the Light Gets in by M. J. Hyland
Howl by Allen Gingsburg-- another fun fact/hugely embarrassing story. I went through a phase in high school where I wore a beret and leather pencil skirt ALL THE TIME> what the hell was I/my parents thinking?
The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo-- Victor Hugo needs to learn about the value of brevity. 
The Iliad by Homer-- went with my best friend and her parents to see Troy bc we were obsessed with Orlando Bloom. Her dad (rightfully) railed against the movie and talked about how it failed The Iliad. He was right. 
I’m with the Band by Pamela des Barres
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote-- had to for some college class or another. 
Inferno by Dante-- did it in college solely bc I found out it had a character with my name suffering in hell. 
Inherit the Wind by Jerome Lawrence and Robert E. Lee
Iron Weed by William J. Kennedy
It Takes a Village by Hillary Clinton
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë – devoured. From high school on. 
The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare-- for high school class again. We also watched a version with Charleton Heston, and it had one of the most homoerotic scenes ever-- in a bathhouse. 
The Jumping Frog by Mark Twain
The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
Just a Couple of Days by Tony Vigorito
The Kitchen Boy: A Novel of the Last Tsar by Robert Alexander
Kitchen Confidential: Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly by Anthony Bourdain
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini 
Lady Chatterleys’ Lover by D. H. Lawrence-- in college. This really doesn't hold up well. 
The Last Empire: Essays 1992-2000 by Gore Vidal
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman-- for a class in college
The Legend of Bagger Vance by Steven Pressfield
Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis
Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke-- lord, save me. I did. In college. 
Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them by Al Franken
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Little Dorrit by Charles Dickens-- like all Dickens things, the BBC adaptation is better. 
The Little Locksmith by Katharine Butler Hathaway
The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen-- Holy super depressing story, Hans! What went wrong in your life?
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott – in elementary school. I'm one of 4 sisters, it seemed necessary. 
Living History by Hillary Rodham Clinton
Lord of the Flies by William Golding-- for 9th grade. Again, does not hold up well. 
The Lottery: And Other Stories by Shirley Jackson
The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold – disturbing. Read in college
The Love Story by Erich Segal--Save me. This sucks. 
Macbeth by William Shakespeare – For high school? (I think?) 
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert-- Read in college. Introduced the idea of ennui to me, which I am running with. 
The Manticore by Robertson Davies
Marathon Man by William Goldman-- I have borrowed this from the library a dozen times, bc I love The Princess Bride novel. Never read it though, b/c I am terrified of dentists, and this probably won't help.
The Master and Margarita by Mikhail Bulgakov
Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter by Simone de Beauvoir
Memoirs of General W. T. Sherman by William Tecumseh Sherman
Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris-- Read this today. It's hilarious. 
The Meaning of Consuelo by Judith Ortiz Cofer
Mencken’s Chrestomathy by H. R. Mencken
The Merry Wives of Windsro by William Shakespeare-- F You Falstaff. Read for a college Shakespeare course, and very much hated. 
The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka-- meh. 
Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
The Miracle Worker by William Gibson
Moby Dick by Herman Melville
The Mojo Collection: The Ultimate Music Companion by Jim Irvin
Moliere: A Biography by Hobart Chatfield Taylor
A Monetary History of the United States by Milton Friedman
Monsieur Proust by Celeste Albaret
A Month Of Sundays: Searching For The Spirit And My Sister by Julie Mars
A Moveable Feast by Ernest Hemingway-- read since I was 22, and also loved absolutely. Read this as a companion piece to the movie Midnight in Paris. You will so have the hots for Hemingway. (or a bro-crush)
Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf-- helped a friend write a term paper about this without reading it. Hope you didn't fail that, homes! (but I read it shortly after) 
Mutiny on the Bounty by Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall
My Lai 4: A Report on the Massacre and It’s Aftermath by Seymour M. Hersh
My Life as Author and Editor by H. R. Mencken
My Life in Orange: Growing Up with the Guru by Tim Guest
Myra Waldo’s Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, 1978 by Myra Waldo
My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult – SIDENOTE: Rory reads some not great stuff. It's endearing. 
The Naked and the Dead by Norman Mailer
The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
The Nanny Diaries by Emma McLaughlin-- See? Rory reads some nonsense chick lit, just like the rest of us. 
Nervous System: Or, Losing My Mind in Literature by Jan Lars Jensen
New Poems of Emily Dickinson by Emily Dickinson-- read in high school. My high school best friend was like a combination of Emily Dickinson, Emily Bronte, and Sylvia Plath. It was a terrifying experience. 
The New Way Things Work by David Macaulay
Nickel and Dimed by Barbara Ehrenreich
Night by Elie Wiesel-- for a high school class
Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen – I've read all of Jane Austen. This was... not her best. 
The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism by William E. Cain, Laurie A. Finke, Barbara E. Johnson, John P. McGowan-- quite obviously for a college course, b/c why else would I? 
Novels 1930-1942: Dance Night/Come Back to Sorrento, Turn, Magic Wheel/Angels on Toast/A Time to be Born by Dawn Powell
Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Charles Bukowski
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck-- required reading for high school. 
Old School by Tobias Wolff
On the Road by Jack Kerouac-- I suspect you have to be at a certain point in your life/ mindset to like this book. I never have been. I keep trying to see if I hit it at some point.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey-- meh
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez-- an all-time favorite. I could drown in Garcia Marquez's words, they are so rich and beautiful
The Opposite of Fate: Memories of a Writing Life by Amy Tan
Oracle Night by Paul Auster
Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood
Othello by Shakespeare – Desdemona is a chump. 
Our Mutual Friend by Charles Dickens
The Outbreak of the Peloponnesian War by Donald Kagan
Out of Africa by Isac Dineson
The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton
A Passage to India by E.M. Forster-- if you are going to read an overwrought EM Forster book, save time and read A Room with a View. At least it's swoony, and the movie is awesome. 
The Peace of Nicias and the Sicilian Expedition by Donald Kagan
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky-- average feelings about the book, but I do want to see that movie. 
Peyton Place by Grace Metalious
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde-- Is it bad that I think Dorian's punishment is way harsh?
Pigs at the Trough by Arianna Huffington
Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi-- Ho letto il libro in classe di italiano. 
Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain
The Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby – read in college. Have a big thing for Nick Hornby. 
The Portable Dorothy Parker by Dorothy Parker-- in college. 
The Portable Nietzche by Fredrich Nietzche
The Price of Loyalty: George W. Bush, the White House, and the Education of Paul O’Neill by Ron Suskind
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen – read in middle school and many times since. Bc I'm a living breathing girl in the English speaking world. 
Property by Valerie Martin
Pushkin: A Biography by T. J. Binyon
Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw-- I loved My Fair Lady. 
Quattrocento by James Mckean
A Quiet Storm by Rachel Howzell Hall
Rapunzel by Grimm Brothers – read a huge collection of Grimm tales in elementary school. It may have warped my mind
The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe-- I am not a Poe girl. 
The Razor’s Edge by W. Somerset Maugham-- and yet another moody romance. 
Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir in Books by Azar Nafisi
Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier – read. Loved. 
Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm by Kate Douglas Wiggin
The Red Tent by Anita Diamant
Rescuing Patty Hearst: Memories From a Decade Gone Mad by Virginia Holman
The Return of the King: The Lord of the Rings Book 3 by J. R. R. Tolkien (TBR) – read in high school. Why did I do this to myself?
R Is for Ricochet by Sue Grafton
Rita Hayworth by Stephen King
Robert’s Rules of Order by Henry Robert-- I was in a sorority in college, and the parliamentary rules of order kind of fascinated me.  
Roman Holiday by Edith Wharton-- I'm 90% sure that the list conflated Roman Fever by Wharton and Roman Holiday by Upton Sinclair. I read Roman Fever. 
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare-- this got better and better since the first time I read it. 11 year old me thought they both were idiots. 
A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf-- ohhh moody wannabe writer college me. 
A Room with a View by E. M. Forster-- "Here is where the bird sings!" love this movie and book (to a lesser degree)
Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin
The Rough Guide to Europe, 2003 Edition
Sacred Time by Ursula Hegi
Sanctuary by William Faulkner
Savage Beauty: The Life of Edna St. Vincent Millay by Nancy Milford
Say Goodbye to Daisy Miller by Henry James
The Scarecrow of Oz by Frank L. Baum
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne – read
Seabiscuit: An American Legend by Laura Hillenbrand
The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir
The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd – in high school, I think. My mother loved this and insisted I read it.
Secrets of the Flesh: A Life of Colette by Judith Thurman
Selected Hotels of Europe
Selected Letters of Dawn Powell: 1913-1965 by Dawn Powell
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen – read. Oh foolish Marianne. 
A Separate Peace by John Knowles-- for a high school class. Very fond memories of this one. 
Several Biographies of Winston Churchill
Sexus by Henry Miller
The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Shane by Jack Shaefer
The Shining by Stephen King
Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse-- love Herman Hesse. My dad told me (when he saw me reading this) that it's a sin for you to not love Herman Hesse when you are early 20s, and you absolutely outgrow him once you get to the real world. 
S Is for Silence by Sue Grafton
Slaughter-house Five by Kurt Vonnegut-- Apparently not liking Vonnegut is some sort of crime against youth, but I'll be honest-- I hate Vonnegut
Small Island by Andrea Levy
Snows of Kilimanjaro by Ernest Hemingway
Snow White and Rose Red by Grimm Brothers – read in elementary school. This was my favorite for a long time. I think bc one of them falls in love with a bear. 
Social Origins of Dictatorship and Democracy: Lord and Peasant in the Making of the Modern World by Barrington Moore
The Song of Names by Norman Lebrecht
Song of the Simple Truth: The Complete Poems of Julia de Burgos by Julia de Burgos
The Song Reader by Lisa Tucker
Songbook by Nick Hornby
The Sonnets by William Shakespeare-- love love love (most)
Sonnets from the Portuegese by Elizabeth Barrett Browning-- love love love (most) (again)
Sophie’s Choice by William Styron
The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner
Speak, Memory by Vladimir Nabokov-- SIDENOTE: did Rory really not read Lolita? Was that too creepy, considering how she dressed like a schoolgirl, and older guys IRL thought she was hot? 
Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach
The Story of My Life by Helen Keller
A Streetcar Named Desiree by Tennessee Williams-- Oh, drama camp. Also, Vivian Leigh really acts this to the back row in the movie. Settle down your crazy eyes, lady. 
Stuart Little by E. B. White
Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway--- loved, love, will love. It just keeps getting better
Swann’s Way by Marcel Proust-- at the height of my pretension (thus far) 
Swimming with Giants: My Encounters with Whales, Dolphins and Seals by Anne Collett
Sybil by Flora Rheta Schreiber
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens-- I do not love Dickens, but I think this is the most romantic story (not book, mind) ever. Why are all of Dickens' women so insipid, and why did no one realize how studly Sidney Carton is? 
Tender Is The Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald-- my love of Fitzgerald is as boundless as the sea. 
Term of Endearment by Larry McMurtry
Time and Again by Jack Finney
The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger – read and resented. in college. 
To Have and Have Not by Ernest Hemingway
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee – read and loved by middle school me. 
The Tragedy of Richard III by William Shakespeare
A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith-- read and loved in middle school. I don't remember anything about it except I cried a lot. 
The Trial by Franz Kafka
The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters by Elisabeth Robinson
Truth & Beauty: A Friendship by Ann Patchett
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom 
Ulysses by James Joyce
The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath 1950-1962 by Sylvia Plath
Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe 
Unless by Carol Shields
Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann
The Vanishing Newspaper by Philip Meyers
Vanity Fair by William Makepeace Thackeray – read. Becky Sharp is like 19th cent. Blair Waldorf, which means she gets super punished for it. 
Velvet Underground’s The Velvet Underground and Nico (Thirty Three and a Third series) by Joe Harvard
The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides-- this is tragic and wonderful, and again needs to be read by a certain time. 
Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett
Walden by Henry David Thoreau-- My Dickinson/Bronte/Plath friend? She was obsessed with Thoreau. I thought (think) he was kind of a tool who couldn't compare to Ralph Waldo Emerson. 
Walt Disney’s Bambi by Felix Salten
War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy-- not as good as Anna Karenina and feels 3 times as long. 
We Owe You Nothing – Punk Planet: The Collected Interviews edited by Daniel Sinker
What Colour is Your Parachute? 2005 by Richard Nelson Bolles
What Happened to Baby Jane by Henry Farrell
When the Emperor Was Divine by Julie Otsuka
Who Moved My Cheese? Spencer Johnson-- babysitting. 
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf by Edward Albee – read
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire
The Wizard of Oz by Frank L. Baum-- in elementary school. The book is trippy, man.
Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë-- why do people think this is so romantic? 
The Yearling by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole

Rory Gilmore, you kicked my ass. But I am seeing some major gaps in your repertoire.