"Hey World, I'm a Douche" or What Your Book Choice Says About You

Like all people who spend way too much time on the internet, and/or women, I am crazy judgmental. More specifically, snap judgmental. Sometimes I make snap judgments in a positive way. I befriended a girl who is now one of my closest friends because of all the people in my 9th grade gym class, she had the friendliest hair. True story.
Anyway, this tumblr totally feeds on this quality. http://coverspy.tumblr.com/

So it's like getting enamored of this dude, but without
him being a hot movie star. Sorry sleeping Latino man,
you don't stand a chance. 

 Like Netflix instant streaming, it brings out all my unhealthy natural tendencies. Like developing a crush on someone on the subway because he's reading Nabokov or Graham Greene (this happens on the regular).
It's a tumblr made for judgmental lit nerds. So I can get infatuated with strangers, like a creeper stalker, and I can hate on girls that read that certain type of Chick-Lit. That Mary-Sue loving, high maintenance type, like Bergdorf Blondes. Or anything by Candace Bushnell (really? Even after Sex and the City 2, ladies? I know she didn't write it, but she is a major cause of its existence. Not to mention that terrible show with Brooke Shields and perennial show killer Lindsay Price).
More than that, it has made me even more self-conscious about what I read in public. The problem with being snap judgmental? You assume everyone else is too. Ergo, there are stacks of books in my house that are kept on a secret shelf, hidden in the attic. Gossip Girl novels, various vampire related romances, a Paris Hilton autobiography-- none of these will ever leave my room, never mind the house. Because if I saw myself reading these in public, I would judge myself. Plus, what would Jake Gyllenhaal think?
So for the public good, I thought I would break down snap judgments about your favorite books. TheHairpin made a great list of these for men http://thehairpin.com/2011/07/favorite-books-of-the-secretly-jerky
But, it was too short. So today, I'll start judging on the dudes, and ladies will get their fair due tomorrow.
Guys
Anything by Salinger:  Hairpin nailed this one: Manchild. Not only that. Pretentious Manchild. Pretentious Hipster Sulky Manchild. If you are over the age of 18, there is no excuse for this.
Slaughterhouse-Five, Vonnegut: This is an odd one. At first, my reaction is "aww, how cute" but then is immediately followed up with "God, how unoriginal. At least pick Cat's Cradle" It's like the boy version of saying your favorite book is Pride and Prejudice.
Anything by Palahniuk: Asshole. And will make you watch Fight Club at least 3 times.
Anything by Bret Easton Ellis: Asshole. And will make you watch American Psycho at least 3 times. But is probably smarter than that Palahniuk loving asshole, although Hairpin is right, and he think he's smarter than you too. But hope he won't make you watch that Ellis based movie that stars Dawson Leary.
Anything by Hemingway: Has machismo issues. And possibly alcohol issues. But it's also possible he's very hot.

To be continued...

F/M/K: English Nerd Edition

Once upon a time, I was not only broke and in college, but also suffering in silence as an English major in the back of a classroom listening to some dude defend Objectivism and how it applies to Dostoyevsky's works. (It does, kind of, in a very distilled simplistic sense. But that doesn't make it ok, and it doesn't make Atlas Shrugged as good as you think it is, guy.)
ANYWAY, the key to my survival was spending class gchatting with my friend C, an English major at UVA. Oh professors. If only you knew how little we all learned. We would play F/M/K (fuck/marry/kill for those that were never middle school girls) with different poets and novelists we were studying instead of hot male celebrities. Because we are super nerds. We rationalized this as still being "on topic" and therefore, we were learning. Almost, anyway. It's the same rationale I used when I played sporcle.com instead of studying.
So, unnecessary anecdote aside, I want to play again and I'm calling on my friend N to give her own opinions, even if they are wrong. (She's usually wrong.) Warm up version--- 20th Century American Expats.
Ernest Hemingway, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Henry Miller
Me: OK, so high school me would have killed Hemingway in an instant, for the crime of forcing The Old Man and the Sea on 14 year olds.

But that Woody Allen movie Midnight in Paris completely changed my mind-- Hemingway's all hot and manly, like a Don Draper of literary 1920s Paris. Also, have you read A Moveable Feast? He'd been fun as hell. Hemingway would be so entertaining in the good moods-- he traveled all over having adventures, drinking rum, being self-destructive. Check the picture. He's pretty studly. I'd definitely do him. On the other hand, he was kind of a misogynist, and treated his wives like garbage (again like Don Draper). I think he's one that you use, abuse, and lose.
N: Kill Hemingway. He's suicidal anyway.
Me: Well that's compassionate.
N: Yeah, but it seems unfair to cast Miller into....oh snap. Henry Miller and The Crucible?
Me: No, you're thinking of Arthur Miller--- he's the one that wrote the Crucible and married Marilyn Monroe.

N:...Well, I was going to say bang Fitzgerald, but Miller seems to have...strong sexual themes.
Me: God. You just googled who Henry Miller is, didn't you?
N:...
Me: Ok, the FMK refs have decided that you can't choose any fate for Miller. You forfeit. Anyway, Henry Miller has nailed some top tier ladies, so he has to have some appeal. On the other hand, I'd have to kill him. If you marry or sleep with him, you know it will end up in graphic detail in one of his books. Also, I hated Tropic of Cancer.

N: Well, I picked Fitzgerald to bang. He seems like a fun times friend.
F: He was kind of a party dude. But Fitzgerald was so so devoted to his wife Zelda and she was straight Bonkers. So you know he'd stand by you and he seems like he'd be so easy to push around. Plus, he knew about some kickass parties, and had cool friends like Dorothy Parker. Who isn't a little bit in love with Tender is the Night or The Beautiful and the Damned? His is a romantic world. Albeit screwy and tragic and full of alcoholism, but still.
N: Fine you've changed my mind.
FINAL FATE:
N: Kill- Henry Miller, Marry- Ernest Hemingway, Fuck- F. Scott Fitzgerald
F: Kill- Henry Miller, Marry- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Fuck- Ernest Hemingway

Welcome to The Girly Show!

I've finally broken down and joined the navel-gazing tendencies of my fellow Gen-Y'ers. (Yers? That's even stupider.) Here you can find the inane ramblings of someone who is unabashedly girly (but only in the privacy of my own...head.) Anyway, if you have a mild to near fatal book addiction, love stupid TV shows, especially love stupid 90s era TV shows, or are looking to put off doing an expense report for work for another hour, then look no further.